It’s a dark day and the clouds remind me of a beautiful thought of Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s that says we don’t think the sun is gone just because we can’t see it behind the clouds. There is more to this life than that which we can see in this moment.
True to Self
The imperative to be real, authentic, true to my Self is a familiar one. But following my inner guidance has brought me, many times, to very uncomfortable places, to situations I would much prefer to avoid. These days, I am acutely aware that expressing my authenticity is no guarantee of anything, other than the satisfaction of being in alignment with my Self (which, admittedly, is no small thing).
But my small self wants guarantees. It wants insurance against all that it fears. Fear has been a great motor in my life, perhaps even more so than alignment and authenticity. My small self is terrified: of getting into a mess, being wrong, missing something, not being or having enough, being perceived as any of the former possibilities.
I am blessed and simultaneously cursed with the ability to understand nuances, see the grey between black and white, feel the pain the viewpoint from one extreme causes a person on the other. I fear I may cause pain or deepen that which already exists. And all this fear makes me timid, unwilling to step out.
But today I am reminded again, through the grace that sometimes comes over me in meditation, that following my Inner Guidance, being authentic, means allowing my good intentions to carry me, with the awareness that I will surely, soon enough, make a mistake, miss something, express myself insufficiently, not do credit to all of my awareness. I must be willing to be wrong, to find myself in a messy, uncomfortable place.
When I find myself there, in the midst of discomfort and disarray, my Inner Wisdom has not failed me. Instead, it has afforded me, through this very mess, a new opportunity to create something more real, be part of something more true, more healing, more beautiful than whatever was already there. And so, with humility, I bow to my Inner Guidance for bringing me, as I faithfully endeavor to follow its direction, to this uncomfortable place my small self would rather not be in, remembering that I am unfolding, still, into a fuller, greater version of my self.
I invite you, now, to take this moment to stop and quiet down in the sacred space that we create together through these lines and our intention to go beyond the surface. Take a few slow, centering breaths, and feel your energy settling. Allow your awareness to take you to the aspect of you that is Wisdom, Knowing, Eternal. Go into your depths, and holding the following questions openly, trusting that the answers are coming to you, in this moment and in the course of your day:
- How am I denying my Self, ignoring my Guidance?
- How am I allowing fear to hold me back?
- Where am I unwilling to get messy, to be mistaken?
- What do I need to call on in order to be willing to express my Authenticity?
Listen for the answers, and keep listening, even after you leave this page and continue with your activities. You can give yourself permission to be more and more your Self.
What did you take away from doing this? What did you learn? What changed? Please share your thoughts with me in the comments.
And, as always, I am here if you want support with the process and with what you have learned and, especially, if you are ready to step forth purposefully into all that your Self is calling you to!
Leafscape photo by Graham Soult