This is an emotional time for me. My eldest child is graduating from Middle School and becoming Bar Mitzvah this month. I am celebrating 10 years of Vibrations Coaching, and five years of leading the Harvest of Wisdom Circle, a beloved mother’s group. It’s been a time of even more reflection than usual, and, specifically, even more focus on love and all of its manifestations.
Sometime around the year 2000, in a time of darkness, deep questioning, and uncertainty in my life, somewhat out of desperation and the desire to find a silver bullet for all the limitations I perceived I had, I picked up a small, battered, second-hand book called Abundance Through Reiki, by Paula Horan. Half-heartedly, skeptically, I followed the program in it. I don’t even remember if I felt that it worked for me at the time or not! Nevertheless, it survived numerous purges of my bookshelves. Fast-forward 17 years, I was surprised to find myself thinking about the book again, even pulling it off the shelf, in these days of such a different kind of emotional intensity. For reasons I can’t explain, it held a powerful call.
I also felt an electric fear. Fear that I could fall into a similar hole as the one I was so intimate with when I first found the book. But I recognized that calling, knew that I had to respond. So I turned to a group of conscious, grounded, and powerful women. to ask that they help me remember that I could dive in without losing myself. Their encouragement and affirmation, these expressions of love, were all that I needed to find courage and give myself permission to jump in.
Although the book purports to be about Reiki, that’s really quite secondary. Instead, part of it is an examination of the energies of resistance and desire as they are expressed in each chakra. In essence, it is a meditation through the chakras. And today I was meditating on the heart, on my resistance to unconditional love, and my deep yearning for it.
What I found was a deep well of grief. Memories that seemed completely unrelated welled up in my mind. Ah, the mind! It was working so hard to categorize everything, to direct the meditation. I could see parts of me still trying to earn unconditional love, and still judging that there are those who don’t deserve it.
Tears welled up, flowed until there were none left, and I moved into gratitude for the incidents of unconditional love that I have experienced. What a surprise to recognize how much stronger the energy in my heart is, how much deeper the joy and gratitude for those times when it was I who offered unconditional love, instead of being the recipient. The voice of my teacher and guide, Dr. Wayne Dyer, echoes through me, saying “The way you get what you desire is by giving it away.”
Now You
Take a moment for yourself, in the sacred space that we build together in these lines and our Presence, and let yourself rest in stillness, quieting your thoughts and feeling your energy settle. Intend that you allow yourself to experience the emotions and thoughts that block the flow of abundance in your heart. Feel your resistance for unconditional love, expanding the feelings until they dissipate. Now feel your yearning for unconditional love, expanding that, too. Finally, let yourself move into gratitude for such a love, with no strings attached, no winner or loser.
What was highlighted for you? How do you perceive your energy has changed? I am always eager to hear of your experiences, so please share them with me!
